I have a hard time valuing balance in my life. I know it’s important, but there is a lot standing in my way of actively pursuing it.
I teeter totter between a normal healthy lifestyle and absolutely gorging myself while taking 12 steps a day. Depression, narcolepsy, and weather keeps me in bed, and my favorite way to cheer myself is baking elaborate treats. I get obsessed with a new hobby for a couple weeks and then I never touch it again. I think someone is my new best friend until they get on my bad side, and then I hate them forever. I’m all or nothing, and I have a similar story for basically every aspect of my life.
Every time I recognize that I have somehow managed to develop the tiniest sliver of balance in my life it’s like an epiphany: “Wow, I have found the key to happiness. I must tell everyone my new discovery!” And then I stop doing whatever I was doing within the week.
It’s just how I operate.
I’m not super sure how I feel about tattoos, but if I did ever get one, it would be the alchemical symbol for balance.
And I’d put it on my bad knee, because irony.
The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about balance as I leave my job halfway through the day. I was so miserable, angry, and sad at work that I snapped and tried to quit. Well, I did quit, I wrote the letter, I had a new job lined up, but they absolutely begged me to stay. (That’s not super applicable here, I just wanted to include some background info.) So I made a deal and now I get to leave after lunch! Every day when I leave I go through a barrage of emotions. I feel relief, like I’m escaping prison. I feel bad for leaving my coworkers there with an even heavier workload without me. But mostly I feel guilty for not earning as much as I should. It’s not like I have anything else I need to do, I just really don’t want to be there anymore, I’m not happy. I’m still earning more than I need and I’m saving a lot, but I can’t shake that itchy guilt every day.
I’ve always had the mindset that any time you choose not to work when you have the opportunity, that’s the same as money being spent. You’re still losing the money, you’re just losing it by doing something you want to do rather than working. This really influenced how often I went to work sick too. “Am I sick enough to lose $100?” Nah.
Having a salaried job that pays sick leave has definitely been a game changer though. Now the only thing that makes me come to work even if I’m sick is my baby sister syndrome telling me to suck it up, because I’m not really sick. Coronavirus has helped me to recognize how unbelievably irresponsible it is, but I still have to rely on my awesome coworkers to bully me into taking a sick day every once in a while.
I’m still working on not internally shaming myself when I go home, but I have to admit it has improved my quality of life a lot.
It does absolutely no good for me to work less to strive for a better home/work balance if I’m just going to turn around and guilt myself for not maximizing my earning potential!!!
I know this guy who straight up works like 80 hour weeks for a couple months and saves all his money, then quits for 6 months and lives off of ramen and his savings. When he runs out of money, he gets a new job. While that seems sort of stressful and unhealthy to me, that’s balance for him.
I’m still trying to find my balance, especially when it comes to work, but I know it’s important and I’m working on it. Maybe I should get that tattoo to remind me. 😉
Finding Eden 